I will be turning 25 in 7 days and now is a good time to do a little self reflecting. What the hell have I accomplished so far? Who have I become? Where am I headed?
Recently, I’ve been really frustrated and growing impatient that I haven’t “made it” yet and am not at where I want to be in life which is being a best-selling author (or even just a published author) and screenwriter, and earning a salary to get me above poverty level. My friends tell me, many of whom are a few years older, that I have plenty of time, I’ll get there soon enough. But I just can’t help but feel like I’m a little behind on the schedule of life. Twenty-five sounded so old when I was fifteen, thinking by this age I would be married, own a house, and be well on my way with my career. I am no where close to being married, I rent a tiny little room in a 3 bedroom apartment, and I just realized the career that I have been building for the past nine years is just so far from what I want to be doing. Who was I kidding when I went to the interview? “Do you work well with others?” No. “Are you a hard worker?” No. “Are you outgoing and sociable?” No. “Do you take orders well?” No. “Do you want this job?” No.
I wish I was one of those people who knew at an early age what they wanted to be when they grow up and followed that path their entire youth to achieve their dream. Or I’ve always envied my peers in college who were going to study law because “both my parents are lawyers” or medicine because “it’s my parents’ dream” or business because “my dad would kill me if I didn’t.” I still have no idea what my father does and my mother compensated for his absence by being supportive of anything I chose. Was she happy when I announced I was going to be an Art major? Absolutely not. But she gave no expression either way which was her way of saying “go ahead.” So I sold back my psychology and business textbooks and used the money to buy some canvas, paintbrushes, and oil paints, all of which are now in storage.
I’ve changed my mind a lot and I tend to never finish anything that I’ve started, especially it if seems to be getting a little too complicated or just too much work. From childhood to the present, not in chronological order, I’ve wanted to be a Flower Shop Owner, Ballerina, Singer, Model, Business Woman (any business would have done), Psychologist, Carpenter (I liked building things and cut-off shorts), Police Officer, Club Owner, Architect, Fashion Designer, Pro Soccer Player, Gymnast, Fashion Photographer, Interpreter, Foreign Ambassador, and Actress. I guess what worries me now is that I am going to put more time, energy, and money into being a writer and in a few years I will change my mind again and want to be a doctor or a contortionist and have to start all over at the bottom.
My friends are getting promotions, buying houses, and getting married. I’m always told not to compare myself to others and I suppose they are right. Where would that get me? I could’ve chosen the conventional path and I didn’t. I’m just wasting time by worrying about how happy everyone else is and whether or not I would ever “make it.” I could be writing. Or drinking. Or writing and drinking.