Thursday, July 24, 2008


Me: I might stop by with a friend.
E:Is this friend a boyfriend?
Me: No. Hence the usage of the word friend.
E: Right, "friend".
Me: Shut your pie hole. I'll "friend" whoever I want to "friend."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Annie's Bridal Shower

Long story short I got home from the night before at 8am and had to leave for the shower by 8:30am. I could not have been any more out of place had I been at a Purity Ball. Country Clubs and I do not go together.

Friday, July 18, 2008

True friends let friends be shallow:

Me: Apparently wearing makeup is not a requirement here. She looks like she came off a two week crack binge.
BM: And the short bus.


Indian Girl: What's your ethnicity?
Me: I'm half Thai half Danish.
IG: I love Thai food!

Monday, July 14, 2008

I <3 NYC

"It's no secret that although New Yorkers are generally self-satisfied, there are a few things that we all long for that the rest of the country has in spades: Bigger, more affordable apartments. A larger selection of potential husbands. Grass." -NYmag

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Day 5

Ran some errands with Rich. Sushi lunch with Vina. More errands. Dinner at Sammio's. Pregame with his roommates and off to a hotel bar called The Precinct. This is where normalcy ended and everyone seemed to have taken crazy pills. I'd like to say that I'm a fairly laid back person but psychotic bitches and drama are just drawn to my charm.

Within 30 minutes of being there I was happily drunk and accused of hitting on this girl's man who was the bartender. I literally only said Vodka soda to him. I may have stared because I just couldn't understand why anyone would wear those demon contacts like the ones Marilyn Manson wears. He looked like Lance Bass went goth. I'd like to think I have higher standards, thankyouverymuch.

Got very drunk. I remember thinking Rich's friends were psychotic. Yet some were hot. I did the robot a lot. Went to bed.

Morning 6:
Had an hour of sleep. Had to wake up at 9a.m. to pack and get to the airport. One last grits breakfast at Pancake House- then I'm going on a diet.

Rich and his super hot friend drove me to the airport. It was the first sunny day all week.

It was a week of doing absolutely nothing eventful- seeing nothing worthwhile but I had a great time bonding with my brother. He's my hero, my mentor, my one phone call when I'm in jail- my best friend.

Day 4

Woke up at 8:30 a.m. I think Rich wanted to show me new things. Like what the world looks like before noon. I have to say I don't like it.

Drove 2.5 hours to Winston-Salem. Got to see the Federal Building.

This is where I got hoodwinked by Rich. After Winston- Salem, Rich told me we were going to visit Raleigh. He even told me to bring a camera. We went to a mall there for 20 minutes. I asked where we were going after and he said home. That was all there was to Raleigh. 5 hours of my life completely wasted.

Picked up Thai food for dinner with his roommates. Drank. Went to bed.

Day 3

Woke up really late obvsiously after last night's debauchery.

Ate lunch downtown at Blue Moon. I of course hated what I got and stared longingly at Rich's salmon sandwich.

Went to visit Rich's dog Trixie, watched Vantage Point (awesome), laid around, ordered pizza.

Rented more movies, Cassandra's Dream (absolutely boring- only redeeming qualities were Colin Farrell and Ewan McGreggor) and Definitely Maybe (fell asleep before it even started).

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Strippers and dollar drinks

How did I end up at a strip club with my brother you ask? I was enticed by dollar drinks and the possibility of seeing the infamous pregnant, toothless stripper. Hey, nothing like cheap vodka and an ugly chick to make me feel better about myself right?

We arrived at the club and were told we had to be members to get in. Seriously? Rich asked how you become a member. The bitchy door girl said you pay a fee, $1. Sweet. So my brother handed her $2 and we were ready to be members. The door girl informed us that the membership would not go into effect for 3 days. I looked around to see if any else noticed the ridiculousness of this whole thing. If a goddamn membership cost only a goddamn dollar was it really that serious that it would take 3 days to go into effect? What? Did she have to wait for the paperwork to go through? For us to be approved in the system? For them to laminate our membership cards? Something was said along the lines of "shut your pie hole, slut" and we got in.

As soon as we got there Rich bought me a drink and a dance. He thought this would be funny. I enjoyed the drink thoroughly, not the dance.

It was my turn to buy a round, an absolut and soda and a Jack and diet. Bartender told me it was $10. I paid her but was totally confused. I went to Rich, "Why the fuck was my round $10! I thought it was dollar drinks!" He asked what I got and I repeated, absolut and soda and Jack and diet. "Oh," Rich replied, "you got top shelf. It's only $1 well drinks." On what fucking planet is Absolut top shelf??!! I specifically ordered it because it wasn't top shelf! Welcome to Fayetteville.

Back to the strippers. I must say these girls were hotter than any of the strippers I've seen in NYC. I was impressed but I have a weird little system at strip clubs. It's kinda like buying shoes. I like to see all of them all before deciding who was my favorite and that's the only one I feel I should tip. You can't settle you know?

Later on in the night Rich asked me if I wanted to buy a tshirt. I said no thanks- I really don't need it. Rich always wants to buy me things and he insisted, "YOU WANT A TSHIRT." Ok ok. If you insist. Again he tricked me. A tshirt came with a private lap dance where this petite little girl took me to another room. My little private stripper was ok, I guess. Totally not my first choice. She was tiny and fit and couldn't have been older than 18. She tied her hair in two braids and wore an army print bikini bottom. I named her GI Fuckin Stripper. She began dancing which was a good dance I suppose. After about 3 minutes I was like ok, well, that was lovely but I really must be going now. But no, it must have been a very expensive tshirt because the dance went on for what felt like an eternity. I would have been more turned on had she just played with my hair for the 30 minutes. I was starting to get antsy, I looked around, watched other girls, yawned... While GI was bent over in front of me she said she liked my shoes. Er thanks, I said, I er, like your belly ring. Very sparkly. She did some kind of move where her stomach rubbed against my thigh. She said, "I had 3 kids, you know?" Shut the fuck up, I answered. Boy I really need to go to the gym, I said. She agreed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Day 2:

Rich woke me up at nine. A.M.! Not even sure if the sun had risen yet.

Showered with what was available, Axe Shower gel. Let's see if the women can't resist me today.

Stopped by his work. Did some boring shit. Ate a huge plate of grits.

Came back to the house. Spent two hours sending people bumper stickers on facebook. I'm really cool.

Rich made an awesome steak dinner for Vina and I.

We later went to a strip bar. Dollar drinks. The rest of this story deserves a full blog post. See Strippers and Dollar Drinks

Trip to North Carolina- Day 1:

Rich and I drove 9.5 hours from NJ to NC. The ride wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, considering I can't even sit through a 90 minute movie. But then again I slept through most of the ride, specifically after every time I ate Roy Rogers curly fries and bacon cheeseburgers and every time my brother started on one of his army stories.

I was awake for the last 3 hours of the ride after we stopped for a Monster Java. We had good deep brother-sister talks about life. You know, relationships, family, career, and titty bars.

Arrived at Fayetteville around 9:30pm and met some of his roommates. None of them seemed particularly interested to see me. I doubt they'd have even looked up if I walked in naked- which them being military men doesn't speak so much for me. His roommate's girlfriend came home and was incredibly hostile towards me, choosing to ignore me before I even had the chance to offend her. Rich went outside to have a cigarette and I was like, "Oh you know what? I need a cigarette too," even though I don't even smoke because sitting next to her was more awkward than getting a pap smear by your friend's mom.

Later on I met Rich's friend Vina. "Vina, meet Nina." She was such an awesome person and so welcoming, here I almost thought all southerners were rude assholes. She proved me wrong. Then again, she was from Denmark.

We sat around her kitchen, I told my usual hilariously entertaining stories, drank some Jack and Diets, and I shared a bed with my brother- Due to limited sleeping arrangements, not the whiskey.


Rich: Andrea was a little freaked out when she saw that I was carrying a knife in JC Penneys.
Me: Who the hell goes to JC Penneys?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Fourth of July Weekend:

My brother and Kate being home, boxed wine, red cups, tequila, broken phones, broken fridges, spicy kebobs, mom's cookin', old friends, Red Bank, some fireworks, and one story being taken to the grave = Amazing weekend.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Pride 2008!

Thousands of gorgeous men. Not one of them wanted me. Seems to be the ongoing theme.