Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Festivus!

Every year, come December, my summer glow long faded, my pallid yellow complexion tends to blend with the winter/holiday blues and my skin starts to look greenish. Not Forest Green, not Envy Green, but more of a....a Grinchy Green. Could it be that year round The Grinch is just The Asian? It's something to consider.

This year was no different. With my year end lime grinchy coloration I packed my bags and headed on the NJ Transit back to my hometown for the holidays. While on the train, I reached down in my bag for my book and got stabbed in the eye with someone's roll of wrapping paper. They were on to me. Down with the Grinch! Give her eyeballs wrapping paper cuts! Nevertheless I made it home and immediately locked myself in my room, put up a miserable Facebook status, and took a nap, hoping I would wake up and find out I've slept through January 2nd. Instead I woke to my blackberry buzzing: J sent you a facebook message. Its subject header was "SOS" and its body read along the lines of, "Being home sucks. Scoured facebook to see who else was home and also seemingly as miserable as me. Found you. Come out and play." J., The one person I who wouldn't mind misery as his company and wouldn't attempt to get me back in the holiday spirits. We could jinx each other everytime we said Bah Humbug in unison!

Text reply: Ok hold on. Let me see if I can borrow my mom's minivan.
J: Tell her there will be parents there and I'll have you home by 11.

Proceeded to get quite drunk and things seemed to look brighter. Was my skin sunshiney yellow again?

Got home not too late. Tried to act sober in front of mom. Noticed HUGE Hickory Farms gift basket out of the corner of my eye. My mom told me it was a Christmas gift to her from my brother. Oh how nice I replied. I eyed the foot long stick of smoked beef, drunk and hungry. My mom said she doesn't eat beef and said it was all too much for her and that I could bring some home with me. Eyes starting to cross, saliva escaping the side of my mouth, I no longer could mask my drunkeness. I looked at the beef longingly. "C-c-can I? Have some now?" My mom being the generous mother that she is says of course, help yourself, and left me alone with the basket, I'm certain, no longer able to look at the sad sight of a daughter she had raised. Too lazy to go to kitchen and grab proper utensils and a plate. Searched mom's room for scissors for the plastic wrap over the meat. Found boxcutter. Momentarily thought to self: Should not be operating boxcutter in this state. Total fleeting moment. Sent brother text: Thanks for the Hickory Farms butthead! Great drunk food! Love you!!

Perhaps Grinches just need to be fed. A stick of beef and some cheese washed down by vodka does the trick!

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