Yummmmm!

Quail eggs with soy sauce, one of my favorite things, for only $1!

My heaven is made up of eggs, potatoes, and a vodka river. What's your heaven like?

Need a good laugh?

Nothing like naked dancing Swedish boys to put a smile on your face...

Have a lovely day!

la la la...wandering off course

I was supposed to catch a flight back to JFK today at 20:30 BKK time. That's an hour and a half away and I'm still sitting here amidst over 100 lbs of stuff scattered around the room, unpacked. Hmm. I don't think I'm gonna get on the flight. I don't feel I've reached the enlightenment I was seeking out here yet. My ticket expires in 37 days. Can I achieve those goals by then?

la la la...where should I go next? Bali? Hong Kong? Copenhagen?

I got new hair

i wanted something lighter to go with my new tan but was worried it might be a bit orange. how do we feel about it?

Amazing weekend in Rayong

Thirteen of us packed our bags and headed 4 hours outside of Bangkok to this amazing beach house in Rayong. Drinks, laughter, dancing, and lazy days by the pool with great friends was the formula for the perfect weekend getaway. I wish I could visit this house every weekend.

Online support

I write this post with a heavier heart than usual. I received some upsetting news yesterday while I was at the internet café, checking my email. I sat there, staring at the screen, at a loss for words, tears welling up in my eyes. I learned that one of my dearest friends is going through a very rough time back at home and it kills me that I can’t be there to hold her hand. She is by far the strongest person I know and I know she will always land on her feet, calling me after wards with a funny story or a lesson to be learned. Her invincibility never ceases to amaze me so it’s not that I’m the least bit worried about her. I guess it just seems unfair to me. Why is it that bad things always seem to happen to good people? I hate that there’s nothing I can do, on the other side of the world, to take away her pain or ease her fears. The best I can do right now is believe in her, as I always have, and stand by her, if only in spirit at the moment.

Everything in my life seems so trivial in comparison; the boys, the parties, and deciding which bathing suit to wear for the day. The past few months, with all the change that’s taken place in my life, I’ve taken all that I do have for granted. I’ve forgotten to reflect each day and be thankful for the people in my life. My dear friend has been such a solid person in my life, always there with a proverbial iron to smooth out the wrinkles in my life. I am lucky to have her as a friend and while my ironing skills are crap, I have and endless supply of support to offer.

Fear of commitment?

I was hanging out with my friend, W, before I left NYC having a glass of wine and talking at his apartment. The topic of dating came up as it has many times before and I said, again, my theory that it’s impossible to find a decent guy living in Manhattan. W disagreed, as he is very eligible himself, remarking that he doesn’t think of me as someone who is ready for a relationship. He said that he thinks I still like being independent and picking up and leaving as I please. Wifey has made the same observation. She said she thinks I want to find somebody but that I’m not quite ready to be in a relationship. I would have never said this abut myself but the more I thought about it the more true it sounded. Sometimes your friends can know you better than you know yourself.

Lately I’ve been looking back at the guys I’ve dated in the past few years as well as the guys I currently find myself attracted to. It seems my friends’ Dr. Phil observations may be correct. I seem to only be interested in guys that are poorly suited for me. Bring it on if you have emotional baggage, inability to love, financial troubles, are gay or otherwise attached. I always thought that I had what most girls are plagued with, a weak spot for bad boys. Perhaps though, I don’t like these guys because they’re “bad” but more because I know they will always remain unattainable. Perhaps this is my subconscious way of not getting into something too serious?

Whenever someone genuinely seems interested in me and seems like a great person that I could be compatible with I always push them away. In my previous blog where I mentioned (ok, ranted) about my annoyance with nice guys (and angered quite a few of them), my frustrations may have been ill directed. It wasn’t the nice guys that were making me nauseous, it was the thought of being in a committed relationship. All of this time I thought I was looking for love and unable to find it. I had missed the intimacy, the breakfast in beds and morning kisses on the small of my neck, but I don’t miss having someone to answer to and call every night before bed.

Am I doomed to open jars, zip the back of my dress, clasp bracelets, reach the top shelf, and kill spiders on my own for the rest of my life? Could I have had a fear of commitment all of this time and not even know it? Is this why I choose to work freelance and have trouble signing a one year lease? What would it take for me to be ready for a relationship?

Barking in the wrong forest

A few nights ago I was having a beer on the street with friends when a French guy approached me and said, “You have the most beautiful legs I’ve ever seen.” I thanked him politely, a little embarrassed at this unwanted attention, and not wanting to continue talking to him. He continued, staring at my legs, “Come on, you have to stand up, let me see those legs!” I tried to decline politely, “No, it’s ok, I’m just sitting here with my friends.” Again he persisted, tapping his friend on the shoulder and pointing to my legs, “You have to take a look at her legs, they’re incredible.” The friend replied, “I don’t even dare to look, I don’t know if it’s a man or a woman.”

I sat there, taken a little by surprise, once again like a deer caught in headlights, but before I could say anything, T, a friend of a friend, got in his face and stood up for me. He said, “That is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard. Can you really look at her and say you can’t tell whether she’s a woman or not?” The guy, still refusing to look at me, says, “I can’t be sure. There are so many lady boys here. I just can’t tell.” T was heated at this point. He got in his face and said, “ You can’t come to our country, as ignorant as you are, and disrespect our women like this.” I was flattered to have someone stand up for me but this guy really wasn’t worth our time. He clearly was going to remain closed minded and I just wanted to get out of there as we were starting to cause to scene. Luckily, my friend, J, scooped me up and said, “Let’s get out of here.”

While I was in the taxi, replaying the past few minutes in my head, I just couldn’t believe the conversation that had just ensued. What are the odds of me being called a lady boy twice in 2 weeks? Do I really look that manly? This time though, I wasn’t as hurt by the guy’s comments because, for one, he hadn’t even looked at me. So it wasn’t that he thought I was a man, he refused to look incase I was one. He was so incredibly ignorant and disrespectful and I was satisfied knowing I was a better person.

The following night, I went to a club with my friends. I was pretty hungover from drinking till 6 AM the night before, and it was so hot in the club that I was struggling to drink anything other than ice water. Being sober in a hot, packed club usually does not go over well. I was being bumped into from every direction. Slutty girls’ hair whipping my face and Middle Eastern men’s body odor invading nostrils. Regardless, I was determined to have a good time. A Brazillian guy approached me with a huge smile as if we had met before. Just being on Koh Panghan a week earlier we had met a bunch of new friends and had drunken conversations that we could not remember the next day so it’s possible that I knew him. Before I knew it this guy was grinding on me, moving my hips side to side, and holding one hand behind my neck. This was extremely forward, not to mention too close dancing for my comfort or liking, and so I pushed him away, politely but firmly. This guy was persisted and approached me 4 more times throughout the night until D finally had to tell him to leave me alone.

Later an Irish looking guy danced up behind me and just stood, literally on the back on my heels. I walked away and was pulled up on the stage by my girlfriends. We were just having a good time dancing with each other when the same guy walked right up to me, his head at my knees, and danced with me from down below. I moved back and put up my hand hoping it was a universal sign for, “Not interested.” Apparently it wasn’t for assholes. He stroked his hand on my calf and I reached down and grabbed his hand and did my best attempt to break all of his fingers.

At 3:30 AM when the club closed, I walked down the dark corridor to wait outside for the rest of my friends. A Thai guy walked up beside me, a little too close, and asked where I was from. I said New York so that he would fuck off, pretending I didn’t speak any Thai. He asked where I was going and just when I was about to answer he leaned in to kiss me. I quickly moved out of the way and said, “Fuck off, asshole.” Even with that clear rejection he still tried to grab my arm and pull me with his friends.

My friends were headed to another after hours club but my mood was ruined by these disrespectful assholes. Don’t these men have mothers? Sisters? Didn’t anyone ever teach them that they’re not cavemen and you don’t just club your prize over their head and drag them home? I don’t care whether you’re at your local bar, on Spring Break, or a hedonistic getaway. I don’t care if you’re looking for a nice woman to date or a one night stand. You DO NOT approach a woman by grabbing her or leaning in to kiss her.

Last night we decided to have a change of scenery, me a little tired of the packed clubs full of guys looking to screw you. We decided to go watch a drag show at a gay bar, DJ Station in Silom Soi 2. We got there near the end of the show but were fully entertained for its finally minutes. Gay men and men in drag dancing around the stage, lip synching the wrong words to Mariah Carey: priceless. We were in hysterics. After the show we danced the night away, without a single man approaching me, while music videos of hot bodied Justin Timberlake and Enrique Iglesias played on a big screen. I was still in a club packed with men (I was the only girl there) but not one of them wanted to screw me. I was able to have a great night out with my good friends without being mistaken for a man (gay men know better) or a prostitute. Is that too much to ask for in a night? Apparently it is in Bangkok. Who knew I'd find my comfort zone in a gay bar?

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Can you please stop looking so damn hot in your tagged facebook photos? Yeah, thanks.

Koh Panghan, Full Moon Party June 09

This is the censored version. The only few pics I could find that didn't include someone's moon.

fire jump rope!




smurfs!

no idea what these guys were but I'm kinda jealous out their outfits!

you like? you buy! cheap cheap for you!

they got hit by a crayon truck

80's gym!

the night is not complete without a human pyramid!

this was my vision by the end of the night...

Riding on bikes with boys

I was having trouble falling asleep last night. I laid in bed at 6am, my heart racing. Maybe it was because it was the first time in weeks that I went to bed sober. I woke up from terrible nightmares about work and money after 3 hours of sleep. Stress is always on my sober heels.

Today we decided to do something different from the usual napping under the coconut trees on the beach and eyeing hot bodies. We decided to rent motorbikes and explore the other side of the island. At first I was hesitant (It’s so hot, I’m so lazy, I just want to tan) but I’m glad the guys talked me into it. The views from the cliffs were absolutely breathtaking. It’s hard to imagine that this is the same island full of thumping house music, buckets and beers, drunken debauchery. With the sun on my shoulders and wind blowing through my hair, the ride was surprisingly bringing me back to Zen.

My first train of thoughts when I got on the bike with the steep hills and curvy roads ahead were:
1) I really don’t want to die on this island.
2) Damn, I look hot on this bike.
3) As long as I don’t knock all my teeth out I should be ok.


But after riding cliffside over the ocean for a few minutes, even after passing countless islanders all bandaged up, clearly from motorcycle accidents, I thought, “If this is the last experience I have I would die a happy person.”


Alas, there was no need for all this death talk as I am still alive. We rode back during sunset, ate an awesome dinner at the market (grilled squid, veggie green curry with nom jeen, and a mango shake), and went home to nap.

We were out quite late last night, till 8am, but we had plans to ride our motorbikes to the waterfalls today so we were up by 1pm. I asked D before we left if I needed sensible shoes for the hike and he said no so off I went in my bikini top, cut-off shorts, and flip flops. We rode through the island again, the view still taking my breath away, and reached the park in less than an hour.

We hiked 500 M up the mountain (read: sensible shoes would have been nice) to find a pool of water and just a trickle coming down the rocks. The waterfall was dried up because it hasn’t rained in a while. We were slightly disappointed but the view was still gorgeous and we figured it was good to get some exercise after all the harm we were doing to it over the week. We decided to hike up to viewpoint, 500 more meters at the top. We were drenched in sweat and panting so loudly you’d think someone was filming Russian porn nearby. I swore I was going to break my sandal during the hike, joking to D about needing sensible shoes, but the only other pair I brought was gladiators. I yelled up to Paul, “we’re totally going to have to buy new flip flops after this,” the joke being that we all lose our flip flips every night in the sand, and he replied, in between choking for air, “I’m gonna need a new fucking set of lungs after this!”


We passed a Thai couple coming down from the viewpoint wearing long-sleeves and pants, smiles on their faces, and not a trickle of sweat. We were slightly embarrassed at our obvious lack of fitness but she rolled her eyes at her boyfriend and joked, “All that, just to take a picture.” We got lost part of the way, the trail no longer looking like a trail but just a bunch of winding tree roots. “What if we get up there and it’s anti-climatic?” I asked, no pun intended. Just when we thought we were about to drop dead we saw a peek of sunlight and through the branches and over the rocks we saw the most amazing view ever. We climbed up on the large boulder and could see miles and miles over the island, nothing but a sea of green covering the mountains. It was worth risking a lung collapse. I sat very still up there, one sudden move and I was pile of broken bones and flesh on the side of the mountain. You gotta love Thailand for its lack of safety precautions and trust in your sensibility. There are few restrictions enforced, no safety parameters built around the site, just an imaginary sign posted high up on a tree that would read, “One stupid move, retard, and you’re dead so you make the choice.” Of course, this sign would be written in Thai so that none of the people the sign was intended for could read it.


The hike back down was much faster because while I was lagging about 20 feet behind, Paul yelled back to me, “You know, in horror movies the last person behind always gets snatched up.” D adds, “and it’s always a little Asian girl.” I screamed and ran as if I was being chased by someone with a chain saw.

We chugged a bottle of water from a rest stop down below and rode to Haad Yao, another beautiful beach on the island filled with white sand, beachfront bungalows, and a few lazy sunbathers. We immediately ripped off our sweaty clothes and jumped in the cool water. This is what I hope heaven is like.


We rode back during sunset again, stopping at the same market for dinner (bbq pork and beef on a stick, sticky rice, grilled squid, mango shake and a guava for dessert). D and I got back to our bungalow and immediately fell asleep under the fan. We really wore ourselves out today.


We woke from our nap, almost 3 hours later, and headed out. Halfway to the restaurant it started to downpour and we were soaked through. We ordered our dinner, played a game of cards, and the power on the entire island went out. It seemed magical really, in one second, everything went completely black and there was not a sound on the island. All you could see were a few fishing boat lights on the horizon. The waiter lit some candles and we ate peacefully in the candlelight.

We tried to go out drinking later, because with no power our rooms would be boiling hot without the fan, but we just didn’t have the energy. Two hours later the power was back and we just headed back to one of the bungalows to play cards. Sometimes it’s just the simplest nights with good friends that are the most fun.

This week on the island was just what I needed to relax, let loose, and stop every now and then to take in the view.

Dilemmas of a drunk (should that be the new name of my blog?)

D and I arrived on Koh Panghan last Thursday after an 8 hour bus ride and 4 hour boat ride.



We met a friend on the way, a nice English girl who's disaster prone, so this should be interesting.


We found a nice little room on the beach for $5 a night. I think I've encountered every critter alive in this room; mosquitoes, spiders, lizards, but worst so far is this massive cockroach that lives in the bathroom and runs wild every time you turn on light. Otherwise, the room is quite fancy with a spiral staircase leading up to our bed. It's a bit hazardous when we're drunk though. Our shower is awesome with a heavy stream of refreshingly cold water.

D and I take a midday siesta with the door and window open. We had reggae on and a cool breeze blowing in the room. Ahhh- we're in heaven.

We were drunk by 9pm and up to our usual shenanigans. I got home early, at 5am, once I lost everybody and felt like I was going to throw up. Earlier we hid our valuables in the trash bin and D's phone was ringing, lighting up the bin and drawing any potential thieves to the bin o' gold. I laid awake worrying about our stuff in the bin so I pulled it next to my head by the bed. (I'm not sure how this would have helped should we be robbed). Later, I felt like I needed to throw up but was worried that D would return to the room and reach in the bin for his phone and touch my throw up. Hmmm dilemmas of a drunk. This is a preview of what the rest of the week will be like.

Sweet summer kiss

On our last night on Samet we all went out and met up with some friends at Silver Sands Bar. Since it was Saturday night it was packed with Bangkokers taking a break from the city. D ran into a friend from Bangkok who was rather attractive. I didn’t think much about it, assumed he probably thought I was a man, but D said he thought I was cute. The guy was half French, half Japanese with very hot tattoos and cute LA style. He totally wouldn’t be my type in the states (Read: assholes in suits) but you’re supposed to step out of your box a bit when you’re on holiday. He seemed like a really nice guy, someone I would want to date which means I stayed away. Pretty backwards right? More on that later.

After the bar we all went to this karaoke place that’s open after hours. I’m not sure what was worse, the bar girls that were hussling in the front of the bar or Thai people taking karaoke so seriously. I think though, that on this trip I may need to pop my karaoke cherry. I held out long enough. I didn’t that night though. The guys sang one song and we decided to leave before someone gets pulled into the boom boom room with a bar girl, wearing a bikini, heels, and an open robe.

We all decided to go for a late night skinny dip, a requirement on Samet. It was such a beautiful, warm night and the water was so calm. It felt so great after drinking in a sweaty bar all night. I was floating in the water with J, the cute one, while he was trying to calm my fears of being attacked by a squid. I liked that he didn’t try anything, even though I was naked under the water.

The sun was coming up and I was starting to get cold from being in the water for so long so we decided to call it a night. He walked me to my bungalow and kissed me goodnight and headed back to his bungalow. Le sigh. It was the perfect ending to a beautiful night.

Small boobs get you free drinks

I got back on Sunday from a lovely few days away on the island, Samet. It was raining when we got there which was a bit disappointing but we didn’t let it stop us. We kept on our routine of swimming, eating, napping, and drinking and the sun finally returned. On my third night there I got in my first ever argument with D. I was surprised at first and then quite disappointed in myself for upsetting someone I care so much about. Sometimes I don’t realize my sense of humor could be a bit hurtful to some. I knew I was in the wrong, apologized, and just hoped it would blow over.

We went out as usual that night, met up with some other friends on the island, and made some new friends as the night went on. I was introduced to a friend’s brother, an attractive, fit, and tattooed Thai guy. We got the initial questions out of the way, “What’s your name, where are you from,” when he asked me if I’m a swimmer. I said that I am actually and he said he could tell from my arms. In Thailand, when someone comments on how fit you are it generally means they’re pointing out that you’re much larger than typical Thai girls, who are naturally thin and don’t usually work out. I know this and I’m used to it but it still leaves me feeling like a pig in a dress.

At the end of the night, D and I were hungry and went for late night noodle soup. The bartender from the bar we were at recognized us from earlier and told us to pull up a seat next to him. I said hello and he looked at me and said, “Oh wow, you’re a girl. I saw you at the bar and thought you were a lady boy,” which is a common name in Thailand for cross-dressers and trannies. I looked at him and then D, not sure if he was joking and quite stunned. He felt the need to explain, “It’s just that we all (the bartenders) were looking at you earlier and we thought you were very attractive and had a great body but you’re very muscular so we thought you probably were a lady boy.” I still just stared at him, shocked, mouth hanging open. He continued, “We just figured that girls usually have boobs and you didn’t, so that’s why we thought that.” Kicking me in my alleged balls while I’m already down! I laughed, at first, at how ridiculous this all sounded. I’m well aware that I’m uncommonly toned for an Asian girl and am less endowed than common for women. I was going to laugh it off as such a silly observation but he kept digging himself into a deeper hole while trying to make what he said come out as the compliment he had intended. I know he didn’t mean to insult me but as I sat there, running his words over in my head, and the alcohol catching up to me, I started to cry. I was embarrassed that I was crying but the more he tried to explain, the more I cried. I couldn’t believe that during the entire night while I was at the bar dancing and laughing with my friends that people from afar had mistaken me for a man. I was so embarrassed that I felt nauseous, barely touching the noodles I had ordered. The bartender apologized profusely and picked up our tab. My mood was absolutely shot so I got up and left.

I laid in bed the next morning, hungover and running the night over in my head. I thought about each time somebody looked at me, if that was what they were wondering. I know it’s just ridiculous and I’m usually very confident in myself but whenever I’m back in Thailand I become so self-conscious. And I really can’t believe that my boobs are even small by Asian standards!

We went back to the same bar that night and I was so embarrassed, both for being mistaken for a lady boy and for letting it get to me. As soon as the bartender saw me he got very flustered and continued to apologize and got us drinks on him. I knew he didn’t mean to be hurtful and I saw how sorry he was and I was finally able to shake it off. I guess it worked in my favor that I didn’t even have to flirt with anyone to get a free meal and drink. That’s more than my flat chest has ever gotten me in the states.

Koh Samet weekend

Cell phone elbow! Ouch!

OMG I've totally had this! Back when I was in a long distance relationship and I was on the damn phone all the time my elbow used to ache! He was a great guy but I sure don't miss the (physical) pain of talking to him.

On another note: I haven't used my Blackberry or blow dryer in over a month!

Happy Birthday, Judy!!

It was my sister’s birthday last night. She was filled with nervous energy about her party but the night turned out perfectly and she looked absolutely stunning.


She had her party at Long Table (the same place she took me for mine)

(Here's a temporary crappy picture of the view. Will upload a better one)

I had nothing to wear and was going to wear the same dress I wore for my birthday but I found this dress last minute for $6!


We had so much to drink in the 3 hour open bar and continued to go clubbing after at RCA and Noir. Uggg. I am feeling the pain today.