Tool Bags

On a busy Saturday night a man flags me down and says, "Ay yo, let me get a Corona, one of those strawberry things, and a glass of water, mami. You got that? Here's my card, start me a tab, only for myself, nobody else goes on this, got that?" He gives me a wink and adds, "And don't worry I'll take care of you. I'll tip you real good." From experience anyone who says "I'll tip you real good" never actually does. A couple drinks later I check on him to see if he needs anything else. "No, mami, close out my tab. Unless ya'll play better music, close out my tab." Was that a threat? And what do you know, he leaves me 15%, hardly "A real good tip," and he winks again, hands me the credit slip and says, "Was that tip good enough for you? Or do you something else, like a massage or someone to walk you home?" Um, how about 10% more on my tip, loser.

Hours later I still see him hanging at the bar. Guess the music thing worked out. Then I see him getting kicked out by the bouncers. Then the bouncer returns and asks me if I've seen his wife. The guy was outside and wouldn't leave until we retrieved his wife. So then I walked through the bar, vision slightly impaired, searching for what looked like his wife. I approached a girl who could be either Indian or Spanish or both-"Hey, sorry, were you here with your husband? (Cause his stupid ass got kicked out." Girl says, "no, honey, I came with friends." Oh sorry. I walk around some more and approach a different girl at the bar, "Hey, sorry, were you here with your husband? (Cause his stupid ass got kicked out)" Girl grabs my shoulders and said, "No, honey, I already told you, I'm single! I came with friends!" Shit, I asked the same girl twice. Well, goddammit you look like her.

But seriously though- not only do we have to remember your drink order, what you look like when you order a drink and then walk around the bar, what the name of your tab is, but we also need to keep tabs on what your ugly ass wife looks like?