Soundbites:

In a conversation with Brittany about how sometimes we're too nice and we get suckered into doing things that we don't want to do:
"It's like, when did I sign up for a large ass hole? I didn't. I didn't!"
-Brittany McFuckinBride

I'm an aunty!!!

I came home from work last night to find out my brother Nick's girlfriend gave birth to a Thai-Danish-French-Brit baby boy. In my typical drunken state I tried to send him a facebook comment that looked like this:

CONGRSTILKATRIOPNS!!!!!!!!!!OMG!!! IMAN AINTYYYYYY!!!l LOVCE UUUUUUUUUUU

Luckily, I woke up this morning to find my cursor still pointing to the post button without actually sending it.

Congratulations Nick and Isabelle!! Love you!

(This calls for a drink!)

Going Out to Bars 101

Things you may not know if you've never worked in a bar, known someone who does, or are just a complete social moron who doesn't know how to act properly in any situation... I'm here to help! These tips are not in any order of importance. They are all important- so read on and stop committing these bar violations!

First, let me explain to you the role of a cocktail waitress in case you don't know. She serves cocktails. Not too difficult to understand right? It means she also serves some small plates but is not considered a waitress therefore, no, she doesn't know what type of dressing is in the salad nor does she have recommendations. It means when you (a customer) come to sit down at a table at her section she walks over, greets you (either verbally or with a nod or just by standing in front of you), and takes your drink order. She then has to walk over to a little computer and put your order in and then she walks over to her service station (a spot at the bar where no customers are allowed to stand - ever!) and she waits for a bartender to make the drinks and when the bartender does so, she puts the drinks on the tray and brings them over to you. This leads to our first tip

Tip #1: After a waitress hands you your drinks she will ask you for some form of payment. Surprise! These drinks aren't free! Nor do we have some type of magical telepathic memory system different from the bartenders where we just memorize what you drank, who you are, and we'll just charge you later on. We ask upfront, just like bartenders do, we say, "Would you like to start a tab, or pay cash?" Or if you're in a hotel bar we ask, "Would you like to do a room charge or put it on a credit card?" We, as cocktail servers, do not care how you would like to pay- Just fucking pay! And no, we are not undermining your morals by asking to hold a credit card- We know you would never walk out without paying. You see, in a bar, people tend to get up and walk around. The bar tends to get very crowded making it very difficult for your waitress to find you. Not to mention you don't really stand out at all so she can't even recognized you out of a crowd. But bottom line is people get drunk at bars. You may be Honest Abe when you're sober but you're an F'in Retard when you're drunk and you tend to "forget" about your tab and walk out without paying. Thus, a credit card tab, or pay by drink.

In addition, please keep your jokes to yourself. I can assure you, we've heard it all a million times. "Put it on that guys tab." Hur hur hurrrr. "Well I'd love to do a room charge, if I had a room here! I'm not a guest!" Guffaw guffaw. "Don't put your drinks on my tab!" LMAO!! Seriously. Suck my butt. Shut up and PAY!

Memorial Day Weekend

My first memorial day weekend not spent fighting Bennies at the Jersey Shore and I seriously had one of the best times. Great friends, amazing weather, hot sand, unlimited rum, good music, lots of craziness...It doesn't get any better than that.

I'm 26 Bitches!

My birthday this year was everything I could have asked for. I went to Tao for dinner and then on to Hiro and Tenjune until my feet just couldn't hold me up anymore (and they turned up the lights). I got the most wonderful messages from all of my friends including a birthday song from Rich in Afghanistan that made me cry at dinner. I was a little wary about turning 26 but really I'm at such a good place in my life, I've never been happier. I'm lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing friends, to have a kick ass job, and not one thing holding me back. My life is still as messy as ever and I'm still out of my mind but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm 26 bitches! Give up your subway seat for this old bird!

Gossip Girl Finale

"Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch in town."

Comment of the night:

B: He stirs my loins!

Nina Soundbites

"I'm overworked, stressed out, and tired. I don't care who you are, I don't want to see your bruised vagina."

Curious by nature

This is a picture of me and a coworker, at 5am,trying to understand the physics of how a person could be hovering over a toilet and fall out underneath the stall. It didn't make sense to us because if you fell forward you would hit your head on the stall door and fall backwards. So we pulled up two chairs pretending they were toilets, hovered over them as if we were peeing, and continued to bang our heads on the wall to see how you can fall forward and under the door- inspired by the drunk whale who managed to achieve this 2 weeks ago. Needless to say we were very drunk and my knees were very bruised the next day but we did figure it out!

Happy Mothers Day!

(my favorite photo of my mom)

I've continuously complained about how my mom continues to treat me like an irresponsible incompetent child even though I feel I've done quite a few things that make me resemble an adult such as paying rent on time, learning how to swallow pills, and no longer wetting my bed. Today, though I hate to admit this, she may have been right all along. I applaud my mother for being so patient with me and never taking me to the hills of Thailand and leaving me for the child smugglers like she always threatened she would.

This morning I woke up, once again with a massive hangover, and thought, "Oh fuck, it's Mother's Day. I wanted to get a goddamn massage and now I can't. Thanks, Mom." (I really hope I never have a child like myself). I take a $15 cab ride to Penn Station with seven minutes to spare before my train departs. Penn Station was a fucking nightmare with all the other delinquent children of the world who are rushing home at the last possible minute. The lines for tickets was nearly out to the streets. I have 7 minutes, Do I pee and buy the ticket on the train (eating the $5 surcharge) and skip buying flowers from the flower cart? Or do I buy the ticket now, skip peeing, and skip the flowers? Or do I get the flowers? I got my ticket with a minute to spare so I rushed and picked up a lovely wilting $20 bouquet and was feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

The train was crowded as hell and the moment I sat down with this woman who was seemingly absorbed in her book she looked at me and smiled. "Are you going to see your mom?" Yes. "Oh how nice. Are those flowers for her?" Yes. "Oh aren't those lovely." They're dying. "What stop are you getting off at?" Red Bank. "Oh isn't it just lovely there? It has all those cute little shops right?" It's a pain in the ass getting there. Oh for God's sake lady, I haven't showered, haven't brushed my teeth. Do you really want to be making small talk with me? She changed seats as soon as people started clearing out but when we got to her stop she came by my seat and said in the sweetest little voice, "I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day. Your mom is going to love those flowers." I was so taken aback by her sincerity I was speechless. That is, until I got off at my stop and realized I left the flowers on the train. That bitch cursed me.



I spent the rest of the day at my mom's alternating between eating (curry, lamb, spicy beef, stir fried vegetables, sesame shrimp salad, chicken holapa, and mangoes with sticky rice- my mom is by far the most amazing chef in the world), sleeping, and making awkward small talk while my mom fed, smothered, and nagged me. Some things never change but surprisingly, I had a lovely day. I don't tell my mom often enough but she is by far the most amazing woman I know to have gone through everything that she has and still manage to raise and deal with this devil incarnate of a daughter (who turned out pretty damn near perfect) - No amount of $20 flowers (wherever they may be) would be enough to express how much I love her.

Birthday Wish List 2008

As you all should already know my birthday is coming up on May 22nd. I don't expect gifts at all, just calls, hugs, and kisses. But if you are stubborn, or are just so inclined to get me something- I don't want crappy tchotkes and shit, so please refer to the following list when shopping. I included things at various price ranges depending on your budget, and the items are not by order of desire level:

1) Polo Aviators (available at Sunglass Hut)
2) Flowers (Stargazer lilies and tulips are my favorite)
3) Red Mini Cooper with white stripe on side
4) Barnes and Noble gift card
5) Skull ring or necklace and studded bracelet from Exhibitionist
6) Sephora gift card
7) Round trip tickets to Bangkok plus paying 1 month's bills.
8) Massage and facial at Thai Privilege Spa
9) Speakers/ external hard drive/ or TV with DVD player
10) Dinner and martinis or bottle of wine (too many places to choose from)
11) A nice card telling me how fabulous I am
12) A cupcake and a candle

Crying over spilled soda...

I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Well, I sleep alone, and my bed is pushed against the wall, so there's really only one side to wake up on, but still, I just woke up wrong. I woke up in a panic attack again, lots of work to be done, not enough time in a day, not enough vodka in my oj, just overall stressed. The weather isn't cheering me up because I'm indoors, there's still 7 hours before I can start drinking..I'm just not happy. But oh it's lunchtime and I decide I'm gonna check the Hale and Hearty menu online and see if it's worth taking a sunny stroll for a hot soup. And hooray my mood was slightly lifted when I saw Broccoli Cheddar on the soup of the day list. I fast walk/skip there and order a large soup only to find out they only have enough to fill a small cup plus two spoonfuls. Damn you Hale and Hearty! I am officially their most irate customer as I jumped over the counter, grabbed the man's collar, and shouted, "There must be more! Clearly, you must have another vat made in back ready to go because it's only 1:30 and the soup is all gone which obviously means it's popular so wouldn't it make sense to have some extra made and ready to serve??!! No?! NO?" No, I didn't do that but I think he saw the crazies in my eyes because I was escorted out after I paid for my measly small soup.

What's got my panties in such a bunch you ask? Well, literally that actually, my panties are in a bunch. See, I'm wearing a short (cute) sundress today and instead of the staple thong, since the dress tends to blow up in the wind all the time, I figured it would be less offensive if I wear a full underwear, even though I think VPL is one of the worst offenses, but it doesn't even matter now cause with all the bunching I'm essentially wearing a thong. And the discomfort is making me highly irritable. And I'm annoyed that I work so damn much, and that all the good ones are spoken for or gay, and that I wore boots instead of my cute gladiator sandals today, and that when I walked to the vending machine I had put in 70 cents and my soda cost 75 cents and so in the 5 seconds it took to run back to my desk and fetch a nickel someone had helped themselves to my 70 cents and a soda, and when I grudgingly bought myself another one and took it back to my desk to drink it exploded in my face.

Clearly, the massage did not work...

I typically remain within 10 ft of my bed on Sundays. It's my sloth day. But today was Hoboken's arts and music festival, plus it was sunny out, and I had a million errands to run, I thought, what the hell, I'll venture outside. I went for a walk in the park, went to the bank, food store, and pharmacy, got a 45 minute massage, laid out on the fire escape for a few hours, and decided I might as well check out the street fair. Next time I make asinine decisions like this please someone stop me. Clearly sunny street fairs with stupid, useless crafts are not for the likes of me- More specifically not for those who are without significant other, dog, grandma, or DOUBLE WIDE STROLLERS! What the hell? The streets are so goddamn crowded where no one can walk, how on earth do you think you are maneuvering your H2 stroller through the crowd? A why do you have not one but two children and why don't either of them walk? And why can't they keep the ice cream/ funnel cake/ fudge off their faces? And why do you covet stupid silk wine covering thingamajiggers? I don't get it.

Beached whale swimming in a sea of vomit, broken glass, and eventually self-loathing- The Horror!

Honestly, if you ever need a reason to quit drinking just go to a bar sober and watch people, especially in the women's bathroom. I've seen some hot messes in the bathroom like girls throwing up all over the floor, or passing out on the toilet seat, or struggling to zip their pants up, but this girl last night took home the crown for the biggest mess I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of messes. Some girl told me there was some broken glass in the bathroom so I went in there to sweep it up. The broken glass was mainly in and around the first stall but someone was in there so I was cleaning up what I could until the girl got out. I could see through the little crack between the door that she was sitting down peeing and also throwing up between her legs. Nasty, but she seemed to have it under control. I kept sweeping up glass when all of a sudden- WHAM- out from under the stall was this huge, fleshy girl's head and arms. The girl fell forward and under the stall while she was throwing up. My god it was like a horror movie and I just started screaming. Fuck though, she's still alive, still throwing up all over the place, and proceeded to try to crawl out from under the stall pushing her fat body all over the broken glass. I really thought she was going to be stuck under the door but the bouncer who heard me screaming rushed in and scooped her (fat) body up in one quick motion, pulled her pants up, and got her the hell out of there.
Lessons learned from last night:
1) Don't try to puke and pee at the same time. Apparently it's tough to balance.
2) Make sure you have friends who would never let you get to that level.
3) Go to the gym: You never wanna be stuck like a fat kid trying to get out of an inner tube.

Overheard

"Do I look like I'm into large, overweight, sweaty cocks? No thanks."

It's May! Best Month Ever!

It's May which means:
Rent is due: Shitballs!
Gym membership is due: What gym?
BUT most importantly it's officially Birthday Month which means everything revolves around me for 31 days and you're gonna hear, "but it's my birthday," with a pouty face quite often. I love May!

(bday wishlist in the works...)

Someone put me out of my misery (that I brought on myself)

Oh yeah, the karma train blindsided this drunk girl last night. Yes, I believe in karma. Yes, it's because I'm Buddhist. No, I don't want to talk religion because you're going to prove to be ignorant and I'm going to want to smack the shit out of you. Back to the karma train. I get it. I've been bad. Maybe I should start getting to work on time, drink less, and stop stealing magazines from my neighbor's mailbox. I should have gone to the PEN World Voices lecture but of course I opted to go to 3 bars and lose count of how many tequila shots I did. Well! Oh Karma, instead of just getting me right away in the form of projectile vomit at the bar, or tricking me into thinking the guy who was hitting on me who told me he slept with his cousin was my karma...oh no, you decided to quietly save your wrath until 3am when I was crawling to the train, thinking I would be home soon after...BAM! No PATH trains running AT ALL!!!! None! Not now, not in a half hour, not in 5 hours. None. There were signs posted all over as to what my alternate routes could be but the joke was that I was way too drunk and crossed eyed to read. Perfect. Do I take a cab? I've got a dollar in my wallet. Do I call someone to crash? Sadly, there's not one person I could call at 3am who would come get me and also let me sleep over. (We're gonna have to work on that one....ASAP!) I even debated sleeping on the platform but then I thought getting raped didn't sound like much fun. Luckily, I saw this girl in a hot pink tube top, white dangly earrings, a stupid 3 inch high waist white belt that had no purpose, and faded hot kiss jeans. I went out on a limb to guess that Hot Pink was definitely going to Jersey and followed her. I waited an eternity for an F train to West 4th, and then another 30 minutes for the E train to Chambers St, and then another year for the PATH to Newark, and another year for the PATH from Newark to Hoboken, and then a 7 minute cab ride to my apartment. This entire, ridiculous, journey took a total of 2 hours and really I believe my dues to Karma have been paid for the next 10 years. So now, will anyone take pity on me and please bring me a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, 1 large shake from Jamba Juice, 1 tall SBUX coffee, and 1 gallon of really really cold water????? Please! I just want to lay here in total darkness, in the fetal position for the rest of the weekend.