Sunday, May 4, 2008

Beached whale swimming in a sea of vomit, broken glass, and eventually self-loathing- The Horror!

Honestly, if you ever need a reason to quit drinking just go to a bar sober and watch people, especially in the women's bathroom. I've seen some hot messes in the bathroom like girls throwing up all over the floor, or passing out on the toilet seat, or struggling to zip their pants up, but this girl last night took home the crown for the biggest mess I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of messes. Some girl told me there was some broken glass in the bathroom so I went in there to sweep it up. The broken glass was mainly in and around the first stall but someone was in there so I was cleaning up what I could until the girl got out. I could see through the little crack between the door that she was sitting down peeing and also throwing up between her legs. Nasty, but she seemed to have it under control. I kept sweeping up glass when all of a sudden- WHAM- out from under the stall was this huge, fleshy girl's head and arms. The girl fell forward and under the stall while she was throwing up. My god it was like a horror movie and I just started screaming. Fuck though, she's still alive, still throwing up all over the place, and proceeded to try to crawl out from under the stall pushing her fat body all over the broken glass. I really thought she was going to be stuck under the door but the bouncer who heard me screaming rushed in and scooped her (fat) body up in one quick motion, pulled her pants up, and got her the hell out of there.
Lessons learned from last night:
1) Don't try to puke and pee at the same time. Apparently it's tough to balance.
2) Make sure you have friends who would never let you get to that level.
3) Go to the gym: You never wanna be stuck like a fat kid trying to get out of an inner tube.

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