Someone put me out of my misery (that I brought on myself)

Oh yeah, the karma train blindsided this drunk girl last night. Yes, I believe in karma. Yes, it's because I'm Buddhist. No, I don't want to talk religion because you're going to prove to be ignorant and I'm going to want to smack the shit out of you. Back to the karma train. I get it. I've been bad. Maybe I should start getting to work on time, drink less, and stop stealing magazines from my neighbor's mailbox. I should have gone to the PEN World Voices lecture but of course I opted to go to 3 bars and lose count of how many tequila shots I did. Well! Oh Karma, instead of just getting me right away in the form of projectile vomit at the bar, or tricking me into thinking the guy who was hitting on me who told me he slept with his cousin was my karma...oh no, you decided to quietly save your wrath until 3am when I was crawling to the train, thinking I would be home soon after...BAM! No PATH trains running AT ALL!!!! None! Not now, not in a half hour, not in 5 hours. None. There were signs posted all over as to what my alternate routes could be but the joke was that I was way too drunk and crossed eyed to read. Perfect. Do I take a cab? I've got a dollar in my wallet. Do I call someone to crash? Sadly, there's not one person I could call at 3am who would come get me and also let me sleep over. (We're gonna have to work on that one....ASAP!) I even debated sleeping on the platform but then I thought getting raped didn't sound like much fun. Luckily, I saw this girl in a hot pink tube top, white dangly earrings, a stupid 3 inch high waist white belt that had no purpose, and faded hot kiss jeans. I went out on a limb to guess that Hot Pink was definitely going to Jersey and followed her. I waited an eternity for an F train to West 4th, and then another 30 minutes for the E train to Chambers St, and then another year for the PATH to Newark, and another year for the PATH from Newark to Hoboken, and then a 7 minute cab ride to my apartment. This entire, ridiculous, journey took a total of 2 hours and really I believe my dues to Karma have been paid for the next 10 years. So now, will anyone take pity on me and please bring me a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, 1 large shake from Jamba Juice, 1 tall SBUX coffee, and 1 gallon of really really cold water????? Please! I just want to lay here in total darkness, in the fetal position for the rest of the weekend.