Go After Him

I had a friend whom I hadn't seen in 5 years visit me this past week. We met years ago in Thailand and spent 4 months traveling around together to the islands, Malaysia, and Singapore. From the moment I saw him, I was attracted to him, and the more time I spent with him the more I fell. He had a girlfriend. He wanted to remain faithful to her. I loved him more for this. How ironic.

I didn't have any expectations for his visit. It was 5 years ago and I've moved on since then. I went to pick him up at JFK, filled with excitement, searching the crowds wondering if I would recognize him. I spotted his blonde hair and caramel tan and my heart literally stopped. He actually got more gorgeous with time. I couldn't stop staring at him, the five added years have been good to him.

We spent our days walking around the city, me, vowing not to be that lovesick girl from 5 years ago. At night, we were staying with a friend, sharing a bed, and keeping things platonic was a bit of a challenge. I would look over at his tanned back in the morning, after sleeping as far on the opposite side of the bed as possible without falling off, and have a strong urge to take a picture ala the opening scene in In Her Shoes. I resisted both the urge to take a photo of his back and the urge to kiss it.

On my second night I decided I was going to tell him what I was feeling, hoped the 5 cocktails would give me more courage. Instead, it caused me to fall into a drunken slumber the moment my head hit the pillow. Fail.

We did eventually share a drunken kiss, after much plotting on my part, the unattainable finally attained. It was lovely, but much to my disappointment and relief, it was weird. Weird because I had spent 4 months longing for him. Weird because I had held him on this unreachable pedestal for the past five years. I was still incredibly attracted to him. I still love the person that he is. But I realized, 5 years later, that we didn't have much in common and it was merely a physical attraction. Just like that the pedestal was kicked out from under him.

I saw this little post on Le Love today and thought, how true, how fitting.


The worst that could happen? He turns you down. The best that could happen? He feels the same way. The alternate best that could happen? You realize you never loved him and are able to move on.