St Patrick's 2008

What's a St Paddy's Day without a leprechaun, a bull, a gorilla, and a THONG TH THONG THONG THONG!
AND Danity Kane! OMG ISLALG (I screamed like a little girl)!!!



(ps. girl on bull is NOT me! Just a random girl making her parents very proud).


Seriously though, St Paddy's at Johnny Utah's was like Spring Break in Midtown. Somehow made my way to the train at the end of the night and woke up at 3:30am in Jersey City. Not fun! Deliberated for 20 minutes on calling out of work the next morning but then figured it wasn't the best idea to say I was "sick" after St Paddy's. And then God (or TONY) must have really wanted to teach me a lesson on being a drunken fool because they were doing construction all day. Jackhammers, drills, and hammering DO NOT go with hangovers. AND THEN as if I hadn't suffered enough, at 5:30pm when I thought I'd be able to sneak out I was asked to go on the streets to interview strangers. Gah! It's the last thing you want to do when your eyes are barely open, the room still spins, and your mouth still tastes like tequila and vomit. Mmmmm picture that.

The morning after

On Gchat:
Me: I smell like rotting garbage. I need a shower.
KC: omg that is hilarious- keeping that one for nina's greatest hits

A Perfect Sunday

3P.M. wine tasting with V-Spot crew where everyone had just woken up only an hour before and was seriously hungover. Equipped with coffees, gatorade, and sunchips, we all reluctantly drank 26 bottles of wine. Our manager told us we could spit but fuck who wants to waste all that wine? What do you guys smell was answered by, "I smell rotting fruit! I smell urinal cake! Jigga what? I smell feces!" What do you guys taste was answered by, "I taste fruity bramling bushes! Mmmm it's world class! I taste wine! I taste earthy funk! Everything tastes great with sun chips!" You can't even handle the maturity, class, and sophistication that was "broughtened!"

We later trampled through the streets, drunk, carrying the leftovers of all 26 bottles, to Elly's boyfriend's apt. Tried to get Taco Bell but goddammit it was shut down! Holly had a nervous meltdown right there.


Of all the places to eat in Manhattan, all we wanted was a beefy burrito! We settled for cheesesteak, fries, and 3 large pizzas. Mmmmmmmm the perfect Sunday!

Tool Bags

On a busy Saturday night a man flags me down and says, "Ay yo, let me get a Corona, one of those strawberry things, and a glass of water, mami. You got that? Here's my card, start me a tab, only for myself, nobody else goes on this, got that?" He gives me a wink and adds, "And don't worry I'll take care of you. I'll tip you real good." From experience anyone who says "I'll tip you real good" never actually does. A couple drinks later I check on him to see if he needs anything else. "No, mami, close out my tab. Unless ya'll play better music, close out my tab." Was that a threat? And what do you know, he leaves me 15%, hardly "A real good tip," and he winks again, hands me the credit slip and says, "Was that tip good enough for you? Or do you something else, like a massage or someone to walk you home?" Um, how about 10% more on my tip, loser.

Hours later I still see him hanging at the bar. Guess the music thing worked out. Then I see him getting kicked out by the bouncers. Then the bouncer returns and asks me if I've seen his wife. The guy was outside and wouldn't leave until we retrieved his wife. So then I walked through the bar, vision slightly impaired, searching for what looked like his wife. I approached a girl who could be either Indian or Spanish or both-"Hey, sorry, were you here with your husband? (Cause his stupid ass got kicked out." Girl says, "no, honey, I came with friends." Oh sorry. I walk around some more and approach a different girl at the bar, "Hey, sorry, were you here with your husband? (Cause his stupid ass got kicked out)" Girl grabs my shoulders and said, "No, honey, I already told you, I'm single! I came with friends!" Shit, I asked the same girl twice. Well, goddammit you look like her.

But seriously though- not only do we have to remember your drink order, what you look like when you order a drink and then walk around the bar, what the name of your tab is, but we also need to keep tabs on what your ugly ass wife looks like?

My better's better than your better

Guy to his friend: Yo she's kinda cute.
Me to Guy: Kinda cute? (insert neck roll) Are you blind?

Some people get beer muscles...I get vodka ego.

Californiaitis

My friend Kristine told me that when her friend C, a hot-headed North Easterner who uses expletives between every other word, went to California, she returned reincarnated into someone who was relaxed and laid back. "Watch out," she warned me, "Cali's contagious." Yeah right. Me? Relaxed and laid back? Pffft. At first I was total city girl separated from her city. I was guilty of comments like, "LA is making me dumber by the minute," or starting sentences with, "Well in New York, we...." Yeah, I was a total NYC snob. Well! It seems, halfway through the trip, I was feeling myself relax a bit. I totally welcomed the sunshine, the open space, and the views. While it wasn't the tropical vacation I had hoped for (it was freezing!), it was definitely a much needed escape from my daily grind. And for once no one was invading my personal space, I didn't smell poo all around, and I wasn't grimacing at people. The past 3 days I've been extremely cheerful and positive. It was quite scary actually. I said things like, "What a beautiful day!" and "hella cool!" I smiled a lot, even at people. I was at a near skip on my walk home. I'm surprised this has gone on for so many consecutive days- could my Californiaitis last? I'm feeling rather optimistic so we'll see!

Californ I- A!!

LA boys got game!

This guy started talking to Kate and I at the bar. After a few minutes of pointless conversation, nodding, and blank stares, he wrote his email on his business card and handed it to me.

His business card with his email:


I turned it over and it seems he had already written another girl's number on his card. Smoooooooooooth!

Too much to ask?

lilthaichick: all I want is someone who loves me as much as I love myself
alan409: that's not gonna happen- you love yourself way too much

Another day in the life...

I love those moments where you have to take a step back and look at your life and say, "Is this really my life?" I have many of those. Or those moments where you say,"Is this really my job?" I had that moment when I was working in porn ... and when I was teaching dive lessons in Thailand... and when I was selling mangoes on the street... Today, again, I had that moment while I was sitting at my desk researching. A clown stopped by to show me a magic trick. And then we had a competition to see who could make the best funny face. (I won, of course). Last week, while researching pedophiles, I was asked to solve a math equation. This might be normal for some, but I am a writer and have repressed all memories of math- even simple addition and subtraction. It took me 30 minutes to find a pencil sharpener in the office- you can't "do math" without a #2 Pencil! Took me an additional two hours to solve the damn thing but by golly I got it! A few weeks before that, while sitting at my desk, all I could hear were cheers- like from an actual cheerleader. Well, she was a rent-a-cheerleader, but still. I love my job.

Last Friday

Upon waking up at 11am the first voice I heard was a message from yet another ex who decided we can no longer be friends. WTF? - The last voice I heard was at 8am on a train ride home when I sat down next to a man who said, "Excuse me, Miss? Miss? I just wanted to tell you that I smell really bad. I've been out clubbing and dancing all night and that's why I smell so bad. I just wanted to tell you." And he went back to sleep. (Smelling really bad was such an understatement- it was more like nose-hair singeing pungent sour milk glazed feet)

And so, you can just imagine the hours between 11am Friday- 8am Saturday- just the type of day I had. Work was really slow on top of the terrible night I was having. What is the answer to this problem? Alcohol of course! After mystery shots and dirty martinis, Brittany and I headed to PS- where we could continue getting shitfaced on a budget and also still be in our work attire. SDW was just getting off and informed us her boyfriend was at Touch spending 5K on bottles so we cabbed it on over- not without me flashing Park Ave Britney style of course. (Getting out of cabs in a skirt is NOT as easy as it looks!) We got to Touch and were told they weren't letting anymore people in because it was 3am. Seriously? So SDW pulled on of those, "My boyfriend is spending a lot of fucking money here, you better let us in." And it worked. We drank some more- Brittany and SDW got in more arguments with the bouncer (Tiny) who was rather hostile- I was way too drunk to speak- we decided to go to the diner-but not without Brittany making sure they knew it was not the last they would be hearing from us! Got to diner- one of the guys puts a bottle of vodka with a pour on the table. "Vat? I paid a lot of money for zeez! I'm going to fineez drinking zeez!" said SDW's boyfriend's German friend. Rock on. Waiter comes, giggle fits, "Hi can we have 3 large OJ's, 3 large cranberry juices, and 6 glasses of ice? Thanks!" And Brittany proceeds to make us very strong drinks while we dig into our eggs. Mmmm. While the night should have ended there- Ze Germans invited us to "Ze Party After" and while I was plenty liquored up and free alcohol is not that hard to come by, I still could not turn down free alcohol. So off to ze after party ve vent! More drinks, John Travolta dancing on TV, German pop hits in the background-I was reaching my limit and began to drift off. Must sleep- don't worry about me- everyone have a good time- just a few minutes please....zzzzzzz. Before I got too comfortable though, at 8am- Brittany and I decided to leave. We stepped out into the daylight, snow flurries blowing around, street workers just starting their days, as 2 girls clad in black and smeared makeup decided it was time to end theirs.

When Little Boys with Big Egos Met Nina

Ah the ongoing debate: Can men and women be friends? Just friends? I have always been a believer that yes it is possible for a guy and a girl to be just friends as I have many male friends who I've never dated and never will. Do they want to sleep with me? I'm sure if given the opportunity they wouldn't turn it down. But I'm also quite sure that if given the opportunity to sleep with 98% of women, they wouldn't turn that down either. So it's not that they're friends with me, pining away for the day we would fornicate, but just that they would take the chance if it was an option. Boys will be boys.

Lately though, I've been wondering if everyone else is right and I've been wrong all along. That it's just not possible. I had a friend, a so called friend, that I met through work. From the very beginning I made it very clear in numerous casual conversations that I had a boyfriend. And, no, it wasn't those situations where I was like, "I have a boyfriend," wink, wink, giggle, giggle, coy suggestive look, but I'm keeping my options open. No, never, not once. We've hung out a few times- those casual, "Hey, a bunch of us are going out for drinks, you want to join us?" hangouts- and the said friend admitted, after a few Jameson's on the rocks, that he had a little crush on me. I replied, with a sympathetic head tilt, "Listen, I've told you from the beginning I have a boyfriend and frankly I've never given you any reason to think that I was interested in you. If you can get the image of you and me between the sheets out of your head, I'd love to continue to be friends because I think you're wonderful, but only as a friend." While, he distanced himself a bit after this confession, I thought we had squashed it, and after he got over his embarrassment and bruised ego we would resume our friendship.

Over time our friendship deteriorated to the point where he was outright mean to me if he wasn't busy ignoring me, and recently I learned that he was telling mutual friends that the reason he doesn't like me is because I was pursuing him and he wasn't into it. Wow. Really? I'm glad that you're 30 something years old and never picked up some maturity along the way. Seriously? GET OVER YOURSELF! Rejection happens. If I went around whingeing and dwelling over every man who didn't return the feelings I'd be- well- I'd be almost as pathetic as you are.

Catch me on ESPN 2

I'm a pathological liar. Well, no, actually, I'm just a ballbuster. I make deadpan jokes, thinking there's no way anyone's gullible enough to believe me, but then when they actually do I just think this is just way too much fun.

Example: I was having drinks at Whiskey Blue last night. I had come from work so I had a large Puma bowling bag filled with work clothes. A man was trying to get to the bar to get a drink and my bag was on the ground in his way, though I knew he would not see it.
Me: Hey, sorry, watch out for my bowling bag.
Gullible Man: You bowl?
Me: Why yes.
GM: Are you any good?
Me: Yes, I'm professional.
GM: Really?
Me: I mean, I don't want to like name drop my own name and all, but yes, I'm kinda a big deal in the bowling world.
GM: Wow, I've never met a female professional bowler. I mean, no offense, but it's not exactly the most interesting sport to watch on TV.
Me: None taken, I know it's up there with watching cockroach racing.
GM: (laughs) How much do you train for this? (A lot) Are you on tour right now? (Yes)What's the tour schedule like? (Rough)Can you show me your technique? (No) How did you get into bowling? (I like tossing big heavy balls) Would I see you on ESPN 2? (Yes) I don't know much about bowling but is it really that competitive?
Me: (dramatic pause) Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's that competitive. But in general, whenever you're doing something you absolutely love, as I am, you always want to be your personal best. So I'm just in a constant competition with myself, trying to do better than my best.
GM: Wow- I hear you completely.
Me: Listen, buddy, it's been great chatting with you, but I don't want to neglect my friends. Take down my name- That's Nina, like the boat. Last name Christensen- that's Christ E-N-S-E-N and catch me on TV.

Skipping town!

Booked my flight to LA- a little bit buzzed so hopefully I booked the right airports on the right day- wooops. Gonna drive to Mexico with my homegirl- can only imagine the trouble we could get into...So f-in excited!!!!!!!

Best of Nina 2007

Last year I was at a serious low point in my life; Dissatisfied in my career, finances, and relationship while watching everyone around me get promotions, raises, new homes, and engagement rings. I commuted 2 hours everyday to a job I absolutely despised and where all my coworkers hated me. For eight hours a day no one spoke to me, except to ask me to do ridiculously menial tasks. To release all of my frustrations and anger and pass time I would email my friend Kristine no less than 5 times a day.

Last week, while sitting at my desk at Time Out and reminiscing with Kristine over gchat about how miserable and angry I was last year in comparison to this year where I've never been happier, Kristine decided to forward me some of my emails from last year. Here are a few highlights:

Me: You know what I really hate?
KC: What? Besides everything in your life?
Me: no seriously...
KC: ok, what?
Me: I really hate the fact..and I feel like this is just soooo ironic...the fact that when you try to call your credit card company (no matter which one) your call is routed to a call center in New Delhi, India and your visa representative is this stupid friekin Indian man with a goddamn thick as hell accent that you cant understand, who only has a general speaking knowledge of English and can only comprehend commands such as "What is my balance?" or "I need to pay my bill" , but cannot understand any other questions that is a hypothetical situation or takes any type of analytical thinking. So you are left on the phone with this stupid idiot who you can't understand and who can't understand you and it is really goddamn frustrating when the call is in regards to $3000 that you don't have to fuck around with! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!


(Giving KC a pep talk)
Soon enough you will be done and you will be a college graduate and you will not have to do that crap (papers) and you will still be miserable. : ) Uplifting wasn't that ?

(Miserable morning after email)
Soooooooo I am feeling crappy on my end as well. I went to the work cocktail event last night. It was rather boring so I thought I'd get my time's worth by finishing off all their crappy white wine. (I had planned on staying for a half hour and getting home early to get some sleep). My friends came to the thing and had about four glasses of wine at a time. So since we were already out and drunk we headed over to the bar next door. Drank some more and now I am convinced to just crash in Hoboken. I got no sleep. I did not brush my teeth last night or this morning. My face is dry and peeling. I only have black eyeliner on. AND ahem, I am wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday to work! I put on a pink sweater of Miira's over my black dress. I figure since I never wear anything other than black this might look totally different to my coworkers. I feel stupid in pink. How anyone wears this color and takes themselves seriously is beyond me. I am hungover. I feel sick. I taste like a bacon egg and cheese and wine.


I hate my life. (All my subject lines started like this). And I hate that I didn't just stop talking to the corny Thai man, cold turkey. I felt like that was too mean. So I reply with curt and cordial emails. Ugh..and now I've reopened the lines of communications! He is the worst! The worlds biggest loser. There is no way he's ever dated anyone. I would never date a Thai man based solely on this guy. And he says these things to try to sound young and cool and hip, except I have no idea what it means! Email example:
"So much for snow sports this year...on the bright side it's midway in January and giant rodent day will determine the rest of the winter."
"My weekends could be better, but it keeps p*ssing in the NY area so I end up being a narcoleptic. I might just "damn the torpedoes, and full steam ahead" this weekend though (supposed to rain again.) How about you, do or go anywhere worth mentioning?"
The emails make me completely irritable! On top of that he writes me emails in Thai but sounded out and spelled in English! Oh my god, could he be any more gay?But that is not why I hate my life. I hate my life because after being sick for 3 months straight, and then getting a stinging chancre sore on my upper and lower lip for 2 weeks, gone for 4 days and now back again, I also now have some form of rash or hives on my face and neck which is itchy, blotchy, and burns. What the fuck? Can I just not feel like a healthy normal human being?

(Another morning after email)
I'm sorry i was drunk and could not get over P's homosexual-esque qualities! And then I proceeded to make fun of that girl that was there because everything that was coming out of her mouth was so stupid. (So much for my resolution of being nice). Whatever though. People like mean nina. not nice nina. nice nina doesn't get good tips but mean nina does. so explain that one. I am totally wishing I had off today like everyone else in this country! I got so drunk last night due to my misery and of course could not wake up today and got to work an hour late. (So much for my work harder resolution).

My how far I've come. What? You see no difference?!