Sunday, July 18, 2010

the rules...

It's been 2 months now since The Boy and I ended things. I had a hard time with it at first. We had spent so much time together, how is it that all of a sudden we cut off all communication? I felt like I had lost a great friend. To make it worse, everything reminded me of him. I would bike down to the park to be active and try to get my mind off him, except that the park was near his apartment and I would have mini panic attacks that I would see him. Even the subway ride made me think of him and I would have to consciously remember to get off at my stop and not his. But as time went on it became less of an effort to forget him and I found that I was actually enjoying myself again, not "trying to enjoy myself."

My friends had asked me why I took the breakup so hard, technically he wasn't even my boyfriend. I did genuinely care for him but I think the rejection, in itself, is hard to take. Why does yet another guy not want me? Is there something wrong with me? Like a child who's had her toy taken away before she was done playing with it, I wanted to snatch him back and say, "I'm not done with you yet." I read in this month's Women's Health that being rejected by someone can make you want them even more, for the sake of attaining the person, not actually wanting to be with the person. New research in Psychological Science read:

People who tried to win a prize and failed were willing to pay extra to get it. But when they tried again to win it and succeeded, 78 percent chose to trade it away. The findings ring true for love: If you're pining for a person who rejected you, you may not be as happy as you think you'd be if reconciliation were possible.

I found this to be true in my case as well. I wasn't necessarily the happiest I could be with him, but God dammit, I wanted him to want me. As more time went by I became angry, if not with him, then with myself. Why did I accept the bare minimum from him? Do I not deserve more? I decided that I do. I also decided that I'm wasting too much time on men, undeserving ones. So I made a pact that I wasn't going to date. No men in my life = no distractions, no mental anguish. Men do this all the time. They set a goal and they put their blinders on. If they say they're not going to date anyone until their acting career picks up, they mean it. Women on the other hand say this but we never like to stand in the way of fate. Like if we say, "I'm going to focus on school right now," but if someone sweet, and charming, and extremely handsome comes into our lives... I mean...we're not gonna say no...

But the trouble is that it wasn't someone sweet, charming, and extremely handsome that was coming into my life and distracting me from my goals. It's someone who's selfish, thoughtless, and unworthy (hiding behind a handsome face). I decided that I wanted more. So I instated a No Dating Rule, effective May 20th, 2010. I am only open for friendship and anyone who wants more can suck it. Not literally, of course.

This rule is effective until I finish writing my book. (It's so close! I really can't be taking sick days to mend a heartbreak).

But... there is a sub clause. Us women, we hate the "what if he was The One" question. I will only accept a date if the person asks me on a picnic, bike ride, or other fun activity, and, these plans are made in advance. Seems easy enough but, trust me, there are very few guys out there who put in the effort of thinking of something fun to do and call to ask ahead of time. This will be a very easy rule to follow.

My best friend called me to catch up last week and she asked how the men in my life are doing. I filled her in on my No Dating pact...but, "There is this one guy," I told her...

"Rules are meant to be broken," she replied.

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