To the 4 dumpy, homely Long Island moms:

This weekend Britt and I went to Pig & Whistle (I don't like to admit this) for late night drinks and immediately when we walked in heads turned (we didn't exactly fit in) and these four 40 year old wildebeests gave us dirty looks and and sidelong glances, clearly talking shit about us. I might have understood if we were dressed like Staten Island girls going to club row on a Saturday night but we weren't. Britt was in black skinny jeans, a flowy flowery shirt, and flat sandals and I was in a dress that fit like a garbage bag. Granted our large over sized work bags were knocking into their even more over sized suburban mom asses- perhaps had their asses not been so ginormous and resting on the stools like rhinos bathing in the sun, perhaps they wouldn't have been such easy targets for our bags. These ladies glared at us and mocked us for being young, attractive (if only by comparison) girls. Had their combined ages not been 475 perhaps this insecure behavior would have been fitting- but seriously ladies? Come on! It's likely that both your husband and your son are sleeping with someone our age but don't hate the rest of the 20-something population for it! Maybe if you kept yourselves up a bit and weren't sour, miserable trolls, your husbands would want to take you out and give it to you once in a while instead of having to have a Grandmas' Night Out with your Momtourage at Pig & Whistle. Next time do us all a favor and stay home to sip on your haterade.