Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
It's New Year's Day 2010 and I thought this would be a good time to look back on 2009. I went back and read some of my old posts from this time last year and I can't believe how much has changed. In fact, I would have to sum up 2009 as the year of change. Unexpected, uncontrollable, wanted and unwanted change in myself and my surroundings.
This time last year I was debating moving across the country with my boyfriend. I am now single as a dollar. This time last year I was living in a rent stablized studio apartment by myself in Murray Hill. I have moved three times since then, with a bout of couch surfing, and now live in an awesome 3 bedroom apartment with two roommates in Queens. This time last year I was going out every night, spending every last dollar, and sleeping my days away. I still go out quite a lot but not at the expense of productivity. I had been working at the same job for two years, living paycheck to paycheck, but never worrying about making my bills on time. I lost that job in April and finally knew the feeling of not knowing how I was going to pay bills and feeling completely overwhelmed as if I was drowning and forgot how to kick my legs.
I had been living in New York as such an angry person who didn't know how to relax or let my guard down. I went back home to Thailand for 3 months and I felt like it completely put everything back into perspective. I got much needed family, friend, and beach time. I was able to take a step outside of myself and remember what was important to me, what it is I'm working so hard to achieve. I realized I wasn't working hard at all. I was just coasting along, getting by.
In September my mom moved back to Thailand. She went from being an hour and a half train ride away to a twenty-two hour plane ride away. I never realized how hard it would be to have her so far away. I realized I was always able to be so independent because I knew she was always there if I needed her. This brought out a new sense of independence in me. I no longer had mom's couch to crash on, mom's house to store things that didn't fit in my NYC apartment, mom's cooking when I was broke. My mom brought my brother and me here to give us a better life and it's about time I show her her efforts weren't fruitless.
In 2009, I learned to let go. Let go of an ex, let go of comforts, let go of my fears, insecurities, pride, and anger. I feel alive again. I feel like I have no restrictions, no limits.
Looking back at my goals last year, I see that I didn't quite succeed yet. But I am actually happy to see that I still have the same goals this year. I usually change my mind so often and never finish something I start. I'm happy to finally found something I'm so passionate about, something I will not give up on. So along with the usual resolutions that I have had for years (lose weight, get organized, save money, etc), I am keeping the same one. Finish writing this book. Get it published. Knock down every damn door until I achieve this. I also have one new resolution to add. No more seeing boys who are no good for me. This will be a hard one for me because I do love those bad boys but I need to stop wasting my time. So there it is.
Here's to starting the year off fresh with renewed energy. Here's to continuing to grow while living life to its fullest. Here's to a wonderful New Year.