Just kidding. There have been millions of articles written about this topic and I have yet to read one that finds the instant cure that everyone is searching for. That's because it's not possible. Whenever I'm going through a break up, staying in bed for days, crying my eyes out, my friends always tell me, "It'll get better. You'll get through this." Yes, I agree. I know this because each time someone has dumped me, and the pain hurts so bad that I think it's possible to die from a heart ache, I've eventually recovered and survived. I always answer, "I know I'll get through it. I don't even want him back at this point. I just wanna fast forward this depressing part and be over him already."
Again, there is no easy cure, no fast forward button. A break up is like a cold; you just have to let it run its course. With that said, the course is quite similar to a grieving process. When my college boyfriend dumped me on the first day of classes, I stayed in bed for 2 weeks. One of my professors threatened to lower my grade due to my "excessive absences" and I broke down in tears. I said, "I'm sorry, I just lost my best friend and am having a really hard time." Yes, I led her to believe that there had been a death (I doubt any professors are sympathetic to being dumped) but to me it really felt like someone had died. One day I woke up and this person that I spent every day with, talked to all the time, snuggled with every night, was no longer there. I couldn't see him, talk to him, touch him.
Because of the similarities, I believe Elizabeth Kubler Ross's model, The Five Stages of Grief, can be applied. Let these stages take its course and you'll be just fine.
- Denial This can't be true. You guys didn't break up. He's still your boyfriend. Continue to treat him like he's your boyfriend. Call him and ask what he wants for dinner tonight. Meet him outside his work. Every time he tells you you're no longer together just laugh it off and tell him he's being silly.
- Anger You realize that he really has broken up with you. How could he dump you. You're perfect. Why can't he see this? Burn his pictures. Break his gifts. Beat pillows with a baseball bat. (Don't hit him. You'll go to jail). Call him a million times (until he says restraining order) and tell him he'd never find someone else like you. If he has a rabbit, boil it.
- Bargaining Try to convince him that you're not crazy. You didn't kill his pet. You just briefly lost your cool. Ask him to give it another chance. Maybe a one week trial period. You'll be perfect, you promise.
- Depression He has turned down your pleas. He really doesn't want you anymore. What's wrong with you? You're lethargic. You can't find any joy in life if he's not there by your side. The only things that seem to bring you momentary happiness is your bed, sweatpants, fudge, mac n cheese, and booze. Stay in bed, eat, drink, and watch The Office reruns as long as you want.
- Acceptance Stop staring at your phone. He's not gonna call. Stop trying to "bump into" him. He knows you don't live anywhere near his work and were not on your way a fabulous party all dressed up. He's not gonna come crawling back. Once you accept this and stop revolving all of your actions around the hope that he'll want you again, you can start the process of moving on.
Once you're ready to move on (meaning every action you take doesn't have the secret motive of reconciliation in the back of your mind), here are a few extra tips that help.
- Delete his number. No more stalking. If you're facebook friends (which was a dumb move to begin with), defriend him. You don't want to see his status updates or wonder if the new girl he's friends with is someone he's dating. He no longer exists. Delete, delete, delete.
- Shop. A lot. Buy those fab shoes, hot dress, and bold new make up. You'll have fun shopping, you'll love your new stuff, you'll look and feel hot, and you'll want to reemerge in the social scene.
- Cut or dye your hair. It's a must. Most of the time you'll look better. Sometimes you may regret it. But it's still part of the process. Just do it.
- Hang out with your single friends. They won't mention how great their boyfriends are or make you wanna throw up. They go to fun parties.
- Milk it when you're out. Say you just got dumped. Be surprised at how many people offer to buy you drinks.
- Take on a new hobby. What did you want to do that you didn't have time for because you spent all your free time with your boyfriend? It'll take your mind off of him, keep you busy, and you'll actually enjoy it. Plus, it could be a new skill you could put on your resume or your Match.com profile.
- Get a part time job at a bar. For some reason, people always think they love you when you serve them drinks. You'll get told how beautiful you are a million times a night. You may even get some free dinners out of it. If not, at least your confidence will get the major boost it needed and you'll see that there are tons of people who want you.
Soon you'll see that your actions are not driven by the goal of getting over him and that you're actually enjoying your life again, sans Le Douche.
And remember, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you anyway. You'll find someone who can't imagine life without you. Someone who loves you for the awesome, smart, beautiful, cool, awkward, fun, silly, quirky weirdo that you are. Just don't forget to love yourself first.
Now go get 'em!